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chris200x
10-04-2005, 08:59 PM
I hope the word filter works on this but it's funny as hell.



Subject: FW: Chili Cook-Off



If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

Take the time to read this slowly. If you pay Attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this

is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo
comes

to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a

chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last Moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions
to

Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so

I accepted. "Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

>>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff?
>>>
>>> You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
>>>
>>> to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
>> crazy.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>>
>>> seriously.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
>>>
>>> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
>>>
>>> who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
>>>
>>> beer when they saw the look on my face.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
>>>
>>> beans.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>>>
>>> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
>>>
>>> by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
>>>
>>> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
>>>
>>> getting ****-faced from all of the beer!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
>>>
>>> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>>>
>>> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
>>>
>>> the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
>>>
>>> 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear
>>>
>>> waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>>>
>>> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>>>
>>> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
>>>
>>> and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
>>>
>>> me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
>>>
>>> her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
>>>
>>> from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
>>>
>>> wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that
>>>
>>> the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
>>>
>>> of spices and peppers.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>>>
>>> garlic. Superb.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>>>
>>> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
>>>
>>> except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
>>>
>>> feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
>>>
>>> peppers.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
>>>
>>> of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
>>>
>>> worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
>>>
>>> is cursing uncontrollably.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
>>>
>>> I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
>>>
>>> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
>>>
>>> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
>>>
>>> lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
>>>
>>> they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's
>>>
>>> too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
>>>
>>> air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili)
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
>>>
>>> too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>>
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
>>>
>>> mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
>>>
>>> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
>>>
>>> himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
>>>
>>> he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
:lol: :lol: :lol:

OldManDM
10-04-2005, 11:13 PM
hehehe....seen that one a long time ago...still gets a laugh.....we texans DO love our chili!!!!!

Lomax
10-04-2005, 11:58 PM
hehehe....seen that one a long time ago...still gets a laugh.....we texans DO love our chili!!!!!

Yes we do, Im not much on real spicy chili, but I guess out level is a little different than anyone else's!! The best is deer chili I think.

bigredhead
10-05-2005, 09:13 AM
Oh man. that was hilarious... the guys at work are still laughing at me cleaning milk from my PC monitor !!!

chris200x
10-05-2005, 09:30 AM
LOl... I love the part about the sno cone! I eat alot of spicy food so I can relate.

BigAir660R
10-05-2005, 08:26 PM
ah yes the deer chilli mmmm.......

Howdy
10-05-2005, 08:34 PM
lmfao, That is a good one. I am glad the word filter worked also.
Howdy

bluevette87
10-14-2005, 02:43 AM
now thats some funny stuff right there lol