Brockey
03-20-2009, 04:56 PM
Subject:* electric fence
*We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the
biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I
then used an 8 ft. Long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big
wheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep
in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood
still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the
front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in
my head. I was literally at one with the engine
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and get your nuts off at the same
time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my
bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It
was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along
and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants
3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in
reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a
big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences. But Dad always had those POS chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is
now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just
man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think
'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into
the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's
right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were
two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on
the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and
in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking
from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as
bad a you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think
our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking
of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always
triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the
fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also
reminds me to triple check before I mow.*
*We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the
biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I
then used an 8 ft. Long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big
wheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep
in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood
still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the
front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in
my head. I was literally at one with the engine
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and get your nuts off at the same
time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my
bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It
was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along
and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants
3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in
reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a
big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences. But Dad always had those POS chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is
now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just
man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think
'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into
the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's
right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were
two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on
the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and
in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking
from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as
bad a you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think
our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking
of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always
triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the
fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also
reminds me to triple check before I mow.*