This post will be long winded and personal. Don't read it if you don't want to. Not interested in sympathy, looking to learn and teach. Thank you.
I contracted Lyme last summer, the summer of 2015. I had pulled into a beach on Cape Cod. I was on my Buell and it's a very common thing for me to be at a beach on Cape Cod on my Buell when it's nice out. For those who don't know, we have horse flies here at the beaches. Some people call them "Green Heads" for very obvious reasons. Horse flies are the worst, the absolute worst. They're smart and they are nature's arsehole. They will sneak up behind you and intentionally stay out of your line of site in order to avoid detection. Their bite hurts really frickin bad. I don't kill anything, not even animals in the road, no matter how small. I've swerved a 100,000 lb tractor trailer to avoid mice, moles, and snakes. Horse flies and mosquitoes I get a lot of enjoyment from smashing, they suck.
So I'm sitting on my bike when a very persistent horse fly was intent on biting the inside of my left leg just above my ankle between the bone and my Achilles tendon. Having the bike between my legs I wasn't able to smash the fly as I wanted to, only swat him away. Every time I shooed it away it would do a small loop and go right back to where it was on my leg. It was playing a game with me and I looked like an arse hat waving my arm around faster and faster between my legs. This went on for probably 10-15 of his little loops before I finally gave him a good push and thought he got it. I pulled out my phone and started replying to a text message. It gets really hot here, it was probably over 90, and my Buell is air cooled. It literally cooks the inside of your legs, they turn red from the heat. Yes I wear shorts and sneakers on my bike. Because my leg was already cooked and somewhat numbed from the heat, it took me quite a few seconds to realize that while I was texting the arsehole horse fly had returned and by the time I looked down he had his entire head buried in the flesh of my leg with his fat ass in the air. I flailed him away again and then started my bike and left that beach.
A couple weeks later I developed the "bulls eye" rash where the fly had bitten me. I was unaware to associate the rash I had with Lyme disease. Seems just about everyone else is aware of what to look for but I guess I missed the memo. I figured the rash was an infection that would go away and it was very uncomfortable and painful but it did eventually go away. Not long after that I got hit with death on a stick, it was nearly unbearable. At this point in my life I had survived war. Upon my return home I realized that I had PTSD at a life threatening level. I got home in 2004 from Iraq and it literally took me a decade to get my head screwed on straight. In 2015 I had a good job and the best outlook on life I'd had post-war and being single. I typically struggle when single. 2015 was going to be different and I was going to make sure of that. I'd quit smoking, I was going to the gym, I was even vegetarian and drinking green drinks daily. I was on track for really good things. Then all of a sudden I got really, really sick. As many know, I'm able to paint a fairly decent picture using written word, however I wouldn't pretend I have the ability to describe the throes I was in when Lyme hit me full tilt. I could feel it physically coursing through my veins and invading my mind, my very thoughts. For someone who has experience dealing with mental "issues", for lack of a better term, this was on a level far greater than anything that could be fought. It took me ten years to learn to control my own thoughts and actions and to learn to live with PTSD. I considered myself strong and held my head high with pride, especially knowing so many people whose only means to get through their day involves drugs. I refused to accept that fate and I had already won, I was on my way, when not six months into my brand new attitude and brand new me I get kicked in the balls by Lyme disease. My anxiety and depression always came in waves. I would get down, then defeat it or it would subside, then it would come back again, for a decade. I then decided I was going to give it the knock out blow and eliminate my "issues". Explaining how is a different thread entirely, but simply put, mind over matter. These things I dealt with were in MY head and there should be only one person controlling what's going on in my head, and that's me. This ties into how I feel about commercials and such. The mind is a far more powerful thing than most realize. It has both the power to make the body physically ill and heal. Remember that next time you see a drug commercial. If a commercial can make you sick enough to see a doctor and the end result is you need drugs then guess who profits from that? You will all laugh at this because that's the program, but why not a commercial to make you feel better? Seems silly doesn't it, but your mind has the ability to make your body sick or heal it, and every drug commercial you see is geared to make you sick. And this is why I'd rather not partake. Count how many drug commercials you see tonight.
So the effects of Lyme disease are brutal, most likely beyond my explanation, but I will attempt. Initially when it hit me full bore I was trying to fight it. I was trying to work as I normally would but I was tired beyond explanation from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep. I had only been at my job (which is the best job I've had) for 6 months at that time. It's a small company and we're very tight-knit. The owner is actually a year younger than myself. The other two foremen I was friends with prior to ever being hired there. The three of them thought I was full of shite. They thought I was just being lazy. I don't blame them, I looked fine physically. I had no idea what was wrong with me. Then I started losing my equilibrium, depth perception, and I was getting migraines. Then I got a fever and what seemed like a flu. Not long after that I was bed-ridden. The doctors had no idea what was wrong with me and my aggravation, exacerbated by the effects of the Lyme, soon became vocal. It got into my head and it was playing out the worst things in my head that it could. It's really scary when you think about it, that something has the ability to somehow decipher what bothers you and then queue it up in your minds eye without your consent, or even worse, at it's own will with you powerless to stop it. It's as if the bacteria have erected a screen in your mind and begun playing all your worst memories to you with your eyes taped open. It also changes your perception of what you're viewing currently. A harmless joke or otherwise innocent situation can in fact be twisted in your head so you perceive it as something it is not, something much more sinister. Partly due to my boss and coworker's view of me as I was going through this (which you can't blame them for having) and also due to my lack of performance things came to a head at work and I spazzed out. I finally told my boss I had to get to the hospital, like right after that conversation. I had been multiple times already prior, but I was going back then and there to try and get an answer again. It was then my boss suggested Lyme disease and said something about the rash and instantly my thoughts went back the that d!ckhead horse fly. I knew it then and there. I got tested for Lyme and it was positive. One has to wonder at this point how long it would have taken the VA, if ever, to figure out I had Lyme disease. They prescribed me three weeks of antibiotics and told me to rest. The antibiotics took far longer than I would have imagined to finally have an effect, but once they did it was drastic. I started feeling like myself again, coming out of the "clouds" that surround you when you contract Lyme. They call it "the fog". To attempt to put it into perspective, if you could imagine going through your day wearing one of those big old iron diving helmets with the little glass window on the front, that's how your interaction goes with the outside world. It's as if you're losing the picture on your TV and need to adjust the antenna (you puke millennials can ask a well-adjusted adult to elaborate on that) People don't understand. I try to explain myself and the most common answer you get is "you look fine". Well thanks but I'm anything but fine. Trying to explain yourself or acting as if nothing is wrong are your two options, neither of which you have the mental capacity to upkeep. Both require more thought than you're capable of and it is absolutely exhausting. Solution; don't be around people. Not a very conducive answer to someone who expects lead a relatively healthy social life, especially if that person happens to be single. The problem is, not being around people turns you into what society views as an anti-social person. When you can't attend a friend or a family member's party and they don't understand why then people start having opinions of you. Forget about concerts and things of that nature. I got in a lot of disagreements and ended friendships because people just cannot understand, and that's not to say every single circumstance is my fault. I had also been eliminating people from my life that were detrimental before I got sick. You are the company you keep.
So 21 days of pills and you're all better. Handshake, thanks, goodbye, right? Yes, that's society's current answer to this affliction. The problem is, that solution is anything but. It doesn't work. In the fall of 2015 I was feeling much better, however I was concerned about whether or not I was going to be able to return to my gym routine I had established the previous winter as a huge part of my self improvement campaign. I wanted to gain weight and add muscle and prior to Lyme I had been slowly achieving that goal. I felt well enough to try and regain the ground I had lost, which was a huge mental mountain to climb. So much progress gone and so much ground to regain. I started going to the gym again over last winter and it took some time but I was coming back. I got to a point that I was really happy with my progress, then the weather broke and the gym routine gets shut down in favor of work going full-bore in the spring and also Trikefest preparation, which is two huge undertakings simultaneously. 4:30 a.m. starts with 12+ hour days at work being the norm and then whatever I can do for Trikefest after work hours and on weekends. I powered through it all with this year feeling as if it were more prep than any year previous, but I persevered and pushed through it all without so much as a stumble. When you've been helpless, when you've been tied down beyond your own control, you better believe you take full advantage when given your abilities back. Just before Trikefest I started getting a twitch with my left eye of which I paid little mind. I had no time for that and I didn't want to lend any credence to anything that may have been developing. In other words, I didn't want to make it any more real by paying attention to it. I believe it worked. My eye twitched quite a bit that week but I had no time for that. The week of Trikefest went well otherwise, although I did notice I was slightly more anti social than I would have preferred. I had no reason that I was aware for that at the time. I got home from Trikefest at 3:30 a.m. Monday and went back to work Tuesday. Almost as soon as I got back to Massachusetts my health started to decline. I thought I had a bug or coming back to all this pollen after having been away for nine days may have gotten to me. I worked Tuesday to Friday and immediately went to bed after work Friday and stayed there right through the 4th of July until the following Tuesday. I missed all the celebrations for the holiday and listened to the fireworks from my bed. My sister was up from Arkansas and I missed the big family party. I suspected Lyme then and was taking shots of turmeric. It was the only thing I knew I could combat the Lyme with. I don't know whether that worked or not but rather drastically I was out of bed and out and about again. Started getting out on my Buell and doing my Cape Cod beach routine, but here we go again. Some days are better than others but there is something wrong with me. I went to the VA last week and they did a bunch of tests, nothing. So they did more tests, nothing. I go for an ultrasound tomorrow. I know this is Lyme, they don't. The only test they can do for Lyme shows whether or not I was exposed at one time or another, to which we already know I have been. Even if they could prove this is Lyme right now, there isn't anything they can do to treat it aside from what they've already done. Obviously antibiotics are not the answer. My research and personal experience have shown this to be true. So now what?
My appetite is junk. I basically have to force feed. And I'm to gain weight how? I don't get hungry, I go straight to headache and lightheadedness and dizziness. My craps aren't right. Joint pain in my hips is heavy some days, enough I was almost walking funny yesterday. The bacteria is inside of my body and it can have an effect on a myriad of physical and mental functions of the human body, literally just about everything. This time it's not been bad enough that I can't work, however getting up in the morning has been difficult. Deep sleep is a thing of the past and I am not refreshed when I wake in the morning. I can't really sleep in anymore if I wanted to, and I am junk after the work day. When I get home my thoughts start to race and my head hurts. Work has been a little slower this month so I was able to see the doctor last week and I have an ultrasound tomorrow. I am a shadow of who I truly am in this condition however, and this is not how I will lead my life. I worked hard, very, very hard to get my head on straight after being ravaged by war and also a very unhealthy relationship where I was basically abused. I had gotten through all of that and in the process learned so much. I studied quantum physics and learned of the frequencies at which life in this realm operate and how to harness and focus energy, both mentally and physically. I was more tuned in than I had ever been in my entire life, and I was ready to take life by the balls finally and by myself this time. I was able to read the signs of the universe just as most can see highway signs and it was amazing what I was able to manifest. It is astonishing what the human mind is capable of, and I was just getting started. Laugh all you want, by all means, as I can assure you I will have the last laugh if I can get back to that point. I could feel the energy of our universe as if it were being beamed to an antenna on the top of my head, that's literally what it felt like. Then Lyme came. I have never felt old in my life and it shows. I'm always told I look far younger than my actual age and I always felt that way. That is, until the summer of 2015 when I got sick. I aged 10 years in that couple months I'd say, I can feel it. My antenna was coming back but now it's having issues again. When this happens it feels like I'm wearing a lead cap that's blocking the signal, I'm in the diver's helmet.
For whatever reason, there is far less help for this ailment than one might guess there to be. There is hardly any effective treatment and there are tons of dead-ends on the subject. Trust me, I know. If you'd like to read up on it feel free. Our government handles Lyme unlike any other disease out there. There is shite out there as far as solutions to this problem and many claim that is because Lyme was manufactured by our government and accidentally released into the populous. That's another thread entirely though, read up on that on your own if you'd like to. Really makes you glad you fought for this country.
For those of you with the "disease" of addiction, IE alcoholism and drug addiction, I say a very healthy go fawk yourself and stop taking drugs and drinking. Presto! You're cured! Try having something you cannot cure, then come tell me how easy it was to cure your case of the "Bud heavies".
So after a very lengthy explanation, if anyone is still reading this at this point, I need help. I don't need armchair racers with "ideas", I need the help and suggestions of those who have or who are dealing with this and may know something I don't. In turn I will gladly share any experience I gain from this. I will not live my life this way, one way or the other. I have worked my arse off to get myself healthy and I had made it. I was there, and now I get this. This is no way to live life and I will not do it. This must be fixed. I am considering the VA and traditional medicine almost a total loss. Unless someone really impresses me with something I've not been able to find I don't think modern medicine is the answer. The only two things I am curious about right now is bee sting therapy and some "doctor" with a laser that's claiming he can cure me. The laser guy sounds like a quack to me, but I'm desperate and I'm going to get over and see what he's got going on. All this time and those are my two leads. Why? Because there is nothing to learn because our government isn't concerned with this affliction for whatever reason. This can kill you and it kills every day, just like cancer, yet where is the treatment? Where is the outcry? Where is the information, the support? It's clearly obvious we're not meant to get better, that they aim to leave us this way. I will get better or I will die trying as this is no way to live. Please don't tell me "I look fine".
Thank you for reading and I don't see how but maybe this has helped someone. If anyone has any good answers for me I'd greatly appreciate it.