Subject to alterations but too late to deviate.
Assuming a lot who will read this have seen my blog, you'll know that my recent trip to Thailand was life altering. Prior to my arrival in Thailand, I had been working myself sick and perpetually tired as a Greater Boston truck driver. I had become a robot and a slave to all of my belongings which I had very little time to use. While away in Thailand on vacation, I got a very focused view of myself back home. It's no secret that I have had some issues from my deployment in Iraq, then just when I thought I was figuring out who I am I get hit with Lyme disease. I am doing extremely well as far as feeling sick from the Lyme disease and I am eternally grateful to my holistic doctor to whom I literally owe everything, however the disease has certainly left it's mark on me in ways I feel will always be with me. So kind of a double whammy between PTSD and Lyme disease, also most likely Gulf War Syndrome now as well.
Upon my return from Thailand, I immediately quit my job. That was not something I had in mind when I went away, however when that plane touched down in Boston I was extremely sad. I watched my fellow drivers through the window of the bus sitting in the same traffic that I was about to immerse myself in again and I pitied them as I was still not working. I wouldn't be working the next day either, but I knew I would "have to" again soon. The thought of it sucked all the light out of me I had just found while I was away. I got an energy back while I was in Thailand that I was concerned would never return, and there was no way I could give that up now because life without that inside of me is not living. Being known best as an integral part of a truck and not much more is not how I will live my life. These people are insane on the roads here, myself included, however I am a trained professional and an extremely good driver. These people are neither of those. I barely had time to do laundry or dishes or sleep, never mind try to go riding on a trike or something. That's also assuming the machine I want to take is operational at that time because I have no time to fix anything either. To put things bluntly, I thought about hanging myself a lot during the day and went to bed with that thought most nights. I am using that term literally. Life was not worth living.
But that was then. You can never expect change without making changes, and changes were due. Major changes. The week before I left for Thailand, I had a passenger in the work truck with me to show him what I do so he could cover me while I was gone. I will never forget his words when he said to me "You won't change anything. You'll come back here and get right back in that seat." Those words echoed in my head after he said them and I immediately responded to him that he really doesn't know me. I had no idea at that moment that my future would head the way it is currently, but if I know me, I knew whatever changes were coming would be big. I just didn't know they would be this big, haha. I figured I would still be driving truck but at a lesser capacity. If I had continued on doing what I was doing, I could have easily ended up dead. That could have been intentional or by accident. I also started to have growing concern for those around me. I was a truck driver in Iraq and we would push other vehicles off the road there, that's what we did. They would flip through the air sometimes and stuff like that, so that is my reality. That is part of what I have experienced first hand in life. Obviously I do know the difference between right and wrong, however most times the first thing that goes through my head is not how you treat other drivers. If you've ever heard someone who knows more than one language describe how they translate, many people still think in their original or "best known" language then translate to themselves in their head. That's kind of what I get. The first thought that crosses my mind instinctually is something that I have to consciously dismiss. The fact that it's a thought in my mind at any capacity is not right. Obviously it's wrong to push other vehicles off the road and for the last 13 years of driving since I returned from war I have never done that, but I do have to consciously suppress that consideration. I do bully other vehicles though which seems perfectly normal to me, however I've been learning more about how extreme my driving is. It appears reckless to onlookers, however I always exhibit extreme control of everything I'm doing in the vehicle at all times. Regardless, just because it seems OK to me does not mean it's acceptable to society, even though I am usually on the right side of the law. Basically I have to accept what I am and deal with the hand I've been dealt. The VA asked a lot of questions in '04 '05 after I got home about me continuing to drive truck. I would never let them touch that aspect of my life and told them to frig off. I'm a gear jammin rig jockey and that's what I know and that's what I do. I did it successfully for a very long time with very few incidents, however it's time to stop. PTSD + Lyme + Boston = no go. There is no good outcome in this situation, so time to change.
I decided my own health, happiness, and well being must be paramount and come before money and how society might view me. I've given up (for the most part) on the opposite sex. I don't plan on getting married or having kids anymore and I'm not going to concern myself. I'm 37 years old and for the first time in my adult life I feel completely happy with the direction my future is heading and content by myself (with one cat). Being truly happy on my own I feel is part of the healthiest I can be mentally. For me, when things are not going well mentally, they are not going well at all. Everyone has bad days, but when I have a bad day things get really bad really fast. I had my boss write in his words what he felt of me in a letter to the VA that I had to supply to them, and I told him by all means do not hold back. I expected a lot of what I saw, but there were some things in there I was completely blind to because these things just seem normal to me. Don't get me wrong by the way, I hold nothing against my boss for writing what he did about me. He's a fantastic person in every sense of that word and wrote what he had to write which will actually be to my benefit. It also showed me more about myself that I needed to learn.
So to set the theme; This is not a hardship. There is no sympathy needed here, haha. I seem to have found my path. To lay it all out there right now, I am selling everything and I am going to live in a truck camper pulling an 18' enclosed trailer. I have been selling everything and my trailer is being made to my order as I type this, ordered two weeks ago brand new. I have sold my Mustang which was with me for 17 years. I sold my DR and I have 35 auctions on Ebay as I type this. I have almost as many ads on Craigslist. Almost every day I'm in the post office sending stuff out, just was today. I will profit from the sale of my home which will leave me with a decent chunk of change in my pocket. The last thing to go will be the toy hauler. Thing's a turd, worst purchase of my life. I'll take a huge hit on that but I'll buy it out once the house is sold then trade it in for a truck camper. My pickup is going to go through an extensive transformation. There will be a ton of fabricating, upgrades, and maintenance as soon as the weather breaks. The truck will be equipped to run waste oil as well as diesel with separate tanks for both. The trailer will have all my tools (two roll aways with tops), two generators, a welder, oxy/acetaline, 220v, 110v, 12v, compressed air, etc... It's all built in my head already. I have parts arriving now and I'd be wrenching instead of typing right now if it weren't winter.
As I said, I'll have some dough from the sale of the house. A respectable amount, but I'll also be living off my disability. It's difficult to admit that for me sometimes. I feel like someday I'm going to run into someone who's going to have a problem with that. I haven't yet though. Only a handful of people know about this at the moment but nobody has had anything but well wishes for me. This will be a dream come true for me, to live perpetually traveling. I will be everywhere. East coast, west coast, and everywhere in between. I will go to national parks (where veterans can stay for free), landmarks, and monuments. Daytona, Sturgis, etc... And then there are trike events. There are so many trike events now across the country and I will be at a huge amount of those. I will have my SX, the 480R, and the Buell for sure. Zinger possibly as well as the XR650L. The XR is the next one on the chopping block if I have to sell something else, but I'd like to keep it. Room in the trailer is another concern as well. They will all have safe, permanent mounting positions inside of the trailer. Everything in the trailer will be bolted down tight and ready to take some bumps and hard braking.
So life could potentially become a dream, which is great. I'd like to say I'm fortunate to have this opportunity to take but that's a double edged statement. On the one hand yes, I am grateful to have the means to do this. On the other hand, having a disability or seven is not exactly how I would have chosen to live my life had I foreseen all of this. Based on my experience there probably aren't a whole lot of people looking at me and thinking I'm some sort of scum bag sucking off the system, however I do expect I might hear that at some point. I will be living off my disability in a lifestyle that may seem excessive for someone with means only provided by the government, and I think that could easily ruffle a feather or two here and there. For those who see me that way, if anyone does, I will say this; I would have traded it all, everything I have, for what many of you have. I have had some absolutely fantastic women in my life, none of which I have now. When you look at your lovely wife and beautiful kids, this is my alternative to your life. This is my second choice. This will be the best possible choice I can make for me as well as everyone around me right now. Just remember what you have, because I wanted that more than anything. You have nothing to be jealous of, trust me. Sounds like a dream traveling around living the life or Riley right? Every moment of me smiling from this point forward has been paid for, trust me. I have no problems at all taking from the government.
So adventure lies ahead. First question I always get; "Where will you go?" Everywhere. I will go everywhere. I don't know when the house will sell but ideally I'd like to be locked, cocked, and ready to rock before Trikefest. I know I'll be spending time at Mik6's house and my sister's in Arkansas, I'll be seeing Weezy, HoosierLogger, and god knows who else or where else. Anywhere really. To end this on the correct note, this may sound like kind of a downer or whatever so I'd like to reiterate; This is not a hardship. I have been very happy lately enjoying my home, which is in really good shape now that I'm ready to sell it. If I get bored or down all I have to remember is that I'm not behind the wheel of a rig right now. And to clarify, I do love driving. It's a passion of mine. To segue from truck driving to driving a truck all the time most likely doesn't seem like a big jump. I can assure you it is apples and oranges. Take away the stress of "having to" be anywhere in a certain amount of time, getting up at 4am and going to bed at 10pm after giving every fiber of my being for someone else's profit, and dealing with Massholes day in and day out will keep this temperamental being even keeled.
Every time I travel, I'm so happy. Every time I come back to Massachusetts, I ask myself why the frig I just did that? If I find someplace I like, I could potentially buy. I will have enough money to possibly buy something outright if I wanted to, but keep in mind I only need modest living. A lot of the places that catch my eye are off the grid and very affordable. But I'm OK with not owning anything for the foreseeable future. So if some of you start seeing me a lot more and wonder how I can be at everything, this is how, lol. I will be smiling and enjoying myself because I must. The alternative is not an option. I hope to see a lot of you soon.