Here's a few jokes

[hondaATCman]

Ok, I have nothing better to do so here it is: :D I'll post more as I think of them.

Gay Family

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 straight up vodka's. The bartender says "Damn!!, buddy, what happened to you tonight. The guy says" I found out my older brother is gay". The next day the same guy walks in again and orders 6 straight vodka's. Bartender says "and what happened today??" Guy replies "I found out my younger brother was gay" So the next day the same guy walks in and orders the same thing. Shocked, the bartender yells "Jesus Christ boy, doesn't anybody in your family like women? The guy looked up at him and said "yeah, my wife"

[groundfly]

LOL..here's one for ya, What's grey and comes in quarts???????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???? an elephant..... :D

[hondaATCman]

Here's another:

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers..."Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your...side-view......mirror".

[hondaATCman]

Here's a few riddles. PM me with answers. Any one who comes up with the right answer will win a MINT condition 1987 250r.

A woman shoots her husband, holds him under water for a long time, then hangs him. But, 5 minutes later, they go to dinner. How??

What is black when you buy it, red when your using it, and gray when your done using it??

What would you rather do? Stay with with a serial killer or go into a den full of lions that haven't been fed in 20 years??

How do you freeze regular water and colored water together in a barrel without mixing the two together??

[ATC crazy]

LMAO guys.... :D

Why did the telemarketer cross the road???
To try and sell the chicken something he didn't need.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

GWB's answer: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Al Gore's answer: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Bill Gates's answer: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

MLK Jr.'s answer: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Barbra Walters' answer: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Jerry Signfelds answer: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Einstein's answer: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

And finally:
Colonel Sanders's answer: Damn it...I missed one.


One day in a second grade classroom a teacher says, "O.K. class, today were gonna study animal sounds. Can I have the first volunteer?" she says. This kid stands up and the teacher says "O.K., What kind of sound does a cow make?" The kid says "Moo-Moo". Very good said the teacher. Now whose the next volunteer? This other kid gets up and the teacher asks "What kind of sound does a horse make?" So the kid says "Hurr-rr-rr". Very good the teacher says now next volunteer? This black kid gets up and the teacher asks O.K. what kind of sound does a pig make? The kid says "HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD MOTHERF****R"!!!


A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.
Her husband also comes home early, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "25 dollars."
Man: "Fine".

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
In the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "75 dollars."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "100 dollars."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, 100 dollars is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that trailprotrailprotrailprotrailpro again!"

[hondaATCman]

lmao ATC Crazy, I love the one about the little black kid. It reminds me of the commercial for the Snoop Dog show called Fizzle my Nizzle or Shizzle my Grizzle or Trizzle el Wizzel or whatever they say. I could go on and on about "negro" jokes, but I know they wouldn't be allowed :(

Anyone got answers to the riddles yet?? :D 8)

[Andrew]

LMFAO!!!!!!! lol lol lol lol lol

[Manny55]

Nice jokes

[ATC crazy]

Do ya mean "Fo shizzle my nizzle" HondaATCman? :D

What is black and white that screams YES! YES! YES!
A nun playing BINGO...

Q: How are Fred Flintstone and Sadam Hussein alike?
A: Whenever they look out the window all they see is rubble.


During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.


In a Golf game, A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, ''What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!''
The guy answers, ''My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.''
''Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here.''

[hondaATCman]

A woman shoots her husband, holds him under water for a long time, then hangs him. But, 5 minutes later, they go to dinner. How??

What is black when you buy it, red when your using it, and gray when your done using it??

What would you rather do? Stay with with a serial killer or go into a den full of lions that haven't been fed in 20 years??

How do you freeze regular water and colored water together in a barrel without mixing the two together??

Congrats to 200xman who pm'ed me with the correct answers and did I say you would win a 1987 250r?? How dare me!! :D :D ;)

Here are the answers:

Riddle # 1: The woman took a picture of him using an old style camera.

#2: Charcoal

#3: I would recommend going in the lion's den because they are dead if they haven't ate in 20 years!!

#4: You freeze the regular water first in a milk jug, put it in the barrel, then add the colored water into the rest of the barrel and freeze it.

Keep posting the jokes!!

[hondaATCman]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[ATC crazy]

Just step up, relax, and smack it.
Get in the hole
Nice & easy strokes now
Hold the shaft with a firm grip

[Howdy]

Who remembers the show "Leave it to Beaver"? What was the most sexual comment ever said?

Howdy

[J.D.]

THE MOST SEXUAL COMMENT ON THAT MOVIE WAS "KISS" MHAUHAHA

[Howdy]

I will give a hint here: June ( Mom ) said the comment to Ward ( Dad ) at least once.
Howdy

[ATC crazy]

And that is Goku's drunken answer.... :D

Hey Howdy...would this be it:

Ward tells his wife, "June, you're vacuuming in pearls. You know what that does to me." She replies, "Stick around. Later I'll slip into a pair of oven mitts." They then kiss and Wally tells them, "Geez, why don't the two of you get a room?"

[MountainRider]

"...Ward, don't you think you were a little rough on the Beaver last night?"

[ATC crazy]

:x Damn you Mountain....now that I think of it, that might be the answer. :D

[Howdy]

"...Ward, don't you think you were a little rough on the Beaver last night?"

Bingo!!

Howdy

[ATC crazy]

How did Hellen Keller lose an arm?
She tried to read a stop sign while driving 55mph


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


One day a college proffessor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, 'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'

[hondaATCman]

Had to post some lawyer jokes :D :D

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?
When his lips are shut.

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?”
“Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.”
“Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”
Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?”
The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

I rearranged this one a little bit.. remember commercial's like this?? ;)

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "I just saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico."

[ATC crazy]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN...
-You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
-The little league puts you on waivers.
-Your suggestion box starts ticking.
-Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
-You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
-The moths in your money belt starve to death.
-People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
-Your wife starts charging you rent.
-A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
-You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
-The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
-Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
-The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
-A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
-The department of biological warfare ask for your stew recipe.
-Your children's school calls to surrender.
-You can't afford to drive your new car.
-It takes you three hours to make minute rice.
-You're so bored you play hide & seek alone.
-The fortune teller charges you half price.
-People give you the senior citizen discount and you're only 37.
-Your wife takes the dog on vacation and leaves you at the kennels.
-You find a note on the table instead of supper.
-Your wife tapes your picture to the dart board.
--The brides family throws rocks instead of rice.
-Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a picket sign.
-Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
-Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
-The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning.
-Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
-You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.
-Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
-You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
-Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
-Your income tax refund check bounces.
-It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
-The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
-You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
-Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
-You put both contacts in the same eye.
-Your mother approves of the girl you are dating.
-Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
-You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
-Nothing you own is actually paid for.
-Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
-You invite the peeping Tom in...and he says no.
-The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
-You call your wife and tell her that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch.
-You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...and there aren't any.
-You wake up face down on the pavement.
-You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
-You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
-You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.