thefox
12-03-2005, 02:36 PM
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you
want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly
for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake
shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt
holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on
your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at
Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit. Also known as a "vairiable
swing press"
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as
seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will
need.
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you
want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly
for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake
shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt
holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on
your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at
Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit. Also known as a "vairiable
swing press"
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as
seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will
need.