racerxxx
03-19-2009, 11:24 AM
For everyone who mave have already read these I can't stop laughing and had to share, I'm sure most of us can agree with the definitions. I hope this is the approiate place to place this as well.
Enjoy!
Tools explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes
used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly
used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built
on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked,
predictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut
on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint
cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying
to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; ! works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing
work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling
‘DAMMIT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
Enjoy!
Tools explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes
used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly
used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built
on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked,
predictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut
on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint
cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying
to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; ! works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing
work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling
‘DAMMIT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.